Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
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Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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