I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
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Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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