You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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