from now on my penis is your penis
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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