stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
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I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
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I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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