i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
