I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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