no, he came in my armpit
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
