dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You can't special order awesome
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
