I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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