man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
