I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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