I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize