Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
