Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
