"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
