Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
