is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
