It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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