My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
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