who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone