You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Where is the hickey?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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