My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
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Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
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Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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