turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
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This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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