I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
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Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
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All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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