When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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