Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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