he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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