It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
