I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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