Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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