at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
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Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
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You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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