i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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