then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
