The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
50% drunk capacity currently
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
