Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
