just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
