After last night, I could never be a politician.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
