I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
