they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
