I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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