I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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