So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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