im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
and you fell through a lawn chair
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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