I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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