she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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