areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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