dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
