the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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