I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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