1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
