tonight lets celebrate not being married
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
