he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
