Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
