Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
